Identity Crisis

We had an interesting lesson with my psychology class today. Well, at least it is interesting to me as compared to other lessons I got. At one point, we questioned ourselves if we were facing any crises during our adolescence years. We pointed out the fact that most of us, in fact, we should be facing identity crisis.

Many of my group members raise the problem of being conforming to peers. HAHA, I guess this is also my biggest problem in life too. Conform or not to conform?

I didn't want to conform in the past, and never want to. I just enjoy doing things that I like. And so it raises the issue of me not getting accepted by my peers. And then it questioned me again, am I suppose to conform just to get accepted by anyone. I really don't know, it just puzzled me...

Even until now...

I don't have much things to talk about, and remember me about... much less to say identity. In searching for one... the way I express myself to people, the way I talk to people, the way I carry myself to different kinds of people, it just based on my first instinct. Should I say I tone down already? Hmmm, I am like a lost sheep.

Final year liao still lost? How can? But at least, I know what I like and I am satisfied with what I have now. And I am, well, a little little bit more confident in the past. And a clearer view of my strengths and weaknesses, okay maybe not so much about strengths, but weaknesses which I will work on.

I guess when I really start work, my personality will surface even more. Sometimes in certain occasions, you will just tend to behave in a certain way that you want others see yourself in, but that is not the true you. This is where the dilemma comes in. You want others to accept you but at the same time, you just want to be true. How to be true and accepting at the same time? Are people born with this kind of personality, or is it shaped by environment?

Although I have fully stepped out of the box, I think I still can't get over my experience as a teenager. So I turn towards my academic achievements, though not so good, but not so bad either. Which was where I am today. I was just kind of curious how would I become if I were to be in a slightly different school and social environment. A fortune teller once mentioned that I tend to split hairs, which I think it is true. Some things could not be forced. Let nature takes its course. Is it cuz of this constant reminder to myself that "I cannot split hairs I cannot split hairs" deter me of doing certain things? Perhaps, I think too deep and too much of what certain things I do and certain things I say.

The biggest flaw I had with me was, 有些事情，你很想去做。但你又怕会做不好，弄巧反拙，或者没有做到最好。还是我的要求太高了？还是别人的要求比我更高？我不知道。先别管这些，做了在说。Sometimes it is also to constraints that I have. I need full concentration on that certain one thing I wanna achieve. Overloading me kills. HAHA!

在父母面前，你要做一个好孩子。我不觉得我那里好，但也没有坏到哪里去。
在老师面前，你要做个好学生。我不觉得我是用功的，但也没有叛逆。(okay, at least in uni context)
在朋友面前，你要做个好朋友。Anyway this is very subjective. Acquaintances everywhere. I would say I put up rather similar traits in front of them. But slightly different reactions and interaction way to each different groups, cuz the social environment is different. Say, I behave like a baby or like a grandparent in front of my parents. and more childish in front of closer and older brothers like dong and phong? I behave more casual and neutral in front of my woodlands seniors. And more cheek-ish and trying to be lame or conforming in front of my woodpeckers. Erm, perhaps more studious and initiative amongst my course mates. As for colleagues or people whom I work with, more "wanna-avoid-troubles" kind of relationship. And now, as a fake freshie, more introvert (as how I am like, exactly the same 4 years back) and noob - and I think I am no difference from where I am 4 years ago. A whole new experience again.

Okay, the more I analyse myself, the more I think I have personality disorder liao! HAHAHAHA!!!!

I, just wanna be normal. Stop dwelling and getting occupied over this matter and return back to your normal work and life. You haven't been doing work for the past donno how many days.