It's just a rant

well
this post is just a rant
if i offended anybody
please forgive

i will post about orientation the next time
tgt with the mass potluck and the ECP outing

actually i just wanna let this issue go
and eventually erase it off my mind
but i couldnt because my father is constantly reminding me about this person

maybe my close friends will know who am i referring to

we have been close friends since the start of last year
but what happen to our friendship this year?
sometimes i feel like we are total strangers at the start of the year
sometimes we don even say hi to each other when we walked past.

and u told people that i am ur good friend
but let me ask
what is the definition of a good friend?
is it someone who can sort of babysit u?
or is it someone that u can share all ur woes and thoughts to?

maybe im just a superficial good friend

forgive me cuz i always take ur words too seriously

is it too difficult to show care and concern?
even just a classmate will just randomly say hi to me and ask me how am i?
even him will naturally care about my safety when i go home late at night all the time...
what about u ?
i cared for u
but u still say i lame
havent i heard from u after my long long trip to other countries, even when i go home late at night...?
not once but many
不是lame 就是hack care 不然就是 no reply
u know people will get worried when one don reply smses when people ask for u

its not one time
but many times when i show concern to u as a good friend
i find that its for granted
i feel that the existence of these actions is just being taken for granted

when u really need help
u come find me
and begged
but when u dont need help
i find that i m just a normal stranger to u
simple conversation like what a normal friend does it just so difficult
simple thing can u do for a friend seems like a chore to u all the time

i don wanna blog about this
but i needed to find a channel to throw all my rants and thoughts in
because my pa keeps reminding me of this person

what happen to us?
total strangers
sadded case

yes u are blur
but i don think u are naive to that extent that u dont regard my thoughts

very 辛苦 wan u know?

i am just a person that
u treat me well
of course i will treat u well
but if u treat me any old how
i wont treat u as nice
i don want to be like who i am in the past
not wanting to stand up and fight for myself
that results in me suffering all the time
i wanna stand up for myself
that is the only way i can prove myself

well one more thing that annoys me?
how can a friend doubt my ability all the time?
not once but many...

loud and clear : "u sirius wan meh?"
as if u are...
cant u see and recall how much i did to contribute to sirius tgt with frens
how much i strive to work hard for my results
yes i know my l1r5 is not as fantastic and by luck like u ?
yes i know i'm one of the lousiest in sirius
but i showed and proved it to them that i can juggle my academic, cca and sirius program well
and cant u see and recall that i went for sirius outing?
u mean sirius outing can invite crashers wan meh?
怎么来说我的成绩都比你好...
besides that point
i contributed so much to it? my commitment shows lor
not like one who doesnt wanna join anything...
fren say u are just blur
but i dont think u are blur and naive to this extent lor
17 going to 18 already leh

everytime i hear:"dd why u so lousy?!"
have u ever thought of my feelings?
although i still portray a happy-go-lucky, cranky and a "nothing happened" look in front of u
but do u know how hurt i feel?
not once but many times i repeat again

ya i am lousy in everything
not as good as others
but i have tried my best wad
what can i do?

at home i have only me and myself to compare with
and i have to help myself all the time
even when i am down and struggling emotionally
i can only confide with my mother
but thats different cuz how to say, we have generation gap
so most of the time i help myself up
and in everything i do i always try my best
if u say i am lousy
thats just the fact
but i know i am not and i wont
i shall prove my ability during the A levels (cross my fingers)

i just conclude that my existence is nothing and transparent
and u take me, a friend, for granted.
not me but even my parents cared about me and this friendship too
i guess i dont wanna think about this and i wanna let it go
please do not 把我们两个人扯在一起 anymore
i don feel comfortable about that now
i wanna do well in my studies
and maintain a good friendship with the rest of my classmates
leave pj with the fondest memories

i need a person to confide in
fren can u help me?